Farewell

So I guess everything's come full circle. You know, I first started this blog because a) everyone else did it, and b) I wanted to be able to send out my depressing thoughts over the internets, all of them. And maybe someone would read them. Maybe.

Well, considering the last time I wrote in this thing was January of last year, and that was a stupid little survey thing to boot, it's definitely been a while since I came back to my not quite so personal corner of the net. And it just so happens that within this time I have gotten to the point where I will never write in here again. Because neither of the previous two reasons for me starting this blog exist anymore.

If I was still in a writing kind of mood I guess I would put down the extremely long story of how I came to believe from the bottom of my heart that things such as fate, destiny, and karma do exist in this world, how there really is someone you will end up with regardless of what you do because the two of you belong together, how you will willingly go through heaven and hell with and because of this person. But now, if you'd like to hear the story of how I met Cindy, just give me a call. If you're reading this you probably know my number/email anyway (hint: it's on Facebook).

And so I write this as a farewell to Xanga as well as a goodbye to my past. I am so glad that I do not need to cling to memories anymore. After all, a bright future is waiting for all of us.

Damn you Mo

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

16 things...here goes...

1. I'm writing this in Xanga because a) I still go on Xanga occasionally, b) I haven't written an entry in a long time, and c) I'm not that enamored with Facebook. I guess I'll do the tags later, if at all.

2. I have 3 modes of talking: reserved, talkative, and extremely blunt. Sarcasm is applied whenever possible. I've been known to hurt people I know or even people I've just met with the things I say. I'm sorry, I don't do it on purpose. When I get into the mood it just happens. Word of caution: the rest of this may fall in the extremely blunt category.

3. I've been single my entire life. Don't really want to elaborate, read the Xanga entries if you want.

4. The first time I really drank (really drank, as in not some wine or sip of Schmirnoff Ice) was sophomore year of college on a dinner cruise where I was the only one under 21, but it was an open bar and no one checked ID. Funny thing is, supposedly I looked over 21 and some of the other people I was with didn't. Began lovefest with rum and coke =) I swear the waiter forced me to drink the first one. He kept looking at me funny when I asked for only Coke.

5. Geez, 16 things is going to take a while. Okay, I'll put in a goal. I still want to start my own video game company within 10 years. Currently looking for people willing to dedicate time after work, work without pay, etc. to be part of the team. It'll be rough going for the first few years, but I believe it'll be worth it. And assuming we do manage to break into the market, that would be so awesome.

6. My hair never ends up looking the way I want it to, whether it's short or long. I guess it's just one of those things.

7. I now spend most of my Saturdays in Flushing, NY volunteering with a group called Life Academy. It's non-profit, not religiously affiliated, and originated from Taiwan. I work with their translation group based in LA on Sunday afternoons. I have been and will be again a counselor for their camps. Why am I so taken with this group? Because the people there are like family, and the classes have let me open up as I never thought I could and improved my relationship with my dad, a lot. I'll tell you more if you're really interested. You're also welcome to come along, though I may end up translating if you don't understand Chinese that well (I don't really mind translating either, but that means I translate the easy to understand parts too lol).

8. Related to 7. I find myself talking less about myself these days (hence lack of Xanga entries, more reclusive, less talkative at gatherings...) because I don't want to scare my friends by being too open. I don't have a problem with it, but they might. Let me know lol.

9. I get pissed when I hear things along the lines of, "You know, this girl liked you back then..." How does that help me now, and why didn't you tell me when she did like me? It also doesn't help that it seems like girls only like me during periods when I have a girl I like...basically, when I am most clueless to other people's feelings in general. So, if a girl likes me, please let me know. Particularly in cases where we both like each other and neither of us knows...

10. I'm usually at my most quiet when I'm angry or pissed. If this happens during a conversation, it is that moment when I switch from shouting/speaking louder than normal to speaking quieter and slower and then just not talking. Continue to piss me off and don't blame me if you die a fiery death. Also, don't confuse this with me just being really tired. Trust me, you'll know when I'm angry.

11. While I don't particularly worry about buying things $40 or less, anything more than that I start thinking a lot about. And then more often than not I don't buy it. It happens a lot. Hence why I don't have a car yet. The only exceptions tend to be computer-related.

12. It's weird that in school and work I've been a software developer and not much else, while looking at my accomplishments in my "free time" I seem to be more suited doing translation work, leading youth groups, or tutoring.

13. I love New Jersey. For all my talk of wishing I could move to Cali, I would love to live in NJ for the rest of my life. Gotta do something about those property taxes though.

14. The first girl I ever liked was white. Chew on that =P

15. If I don't get 8 hours of sleep, I don't function very well and get irritated or just tune out conversations really easily. Over 8 hours I just feel sleepy all day. I can't do all nighters because I hate the feeling of working on only adrenaline. The crash sucks. Did it once freshman year of college, passed out on the bed for 5 hours afterward, not doing it ever again. I'll start things, go to sleep, and wake up earlier if I have to to finish up. I am okay with 4+ hours of sleep. Did quite a few 4 hour nights in college...

16. Last one finally! The smartest person I know is probably my brother. He's definitely going to be more successful than me xD

About three weeks ago, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let her continue to affect my life. And now I've realized just how deep the hole is. I've lost about seven years to her already, but here's to getting out soon.

(reference 2/12/2008)

Relativity

If there's one thing that writing sappy, romantic, horribly depressing stories has taught me, it's that one cannot write about what one has not experienced. At least, not in such a way that one's audience would be moved or be able to feel what one is trying to express. And so it is that I stopped writing altogether. The stories were going nowhere, perhaps even faster than my non-relationships in real life were. I vowed that the next time I wrote it would be to complete the circle, to finally be able to write about shared love, about two people so tangled in one another's lives that it would take a lifetime or more for either of them to get out. Sadly, that hasn't come to pass.

Instead, I've continued to overanalyze everything I've experienced so far in this life (so much like the scientist given data from all his previous failures, the great "genius" trying to figure out just where in his abundant calculations he had made a wrong assumption). Overall, it's been a quite depressing experience (and yes, I've had many of those), and I don't want to relive it again by pouring it out here. Truly, when I hear the expression that "It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all," my reply is an automatic "BS!" Then again, I've only lost, so my opinion may be completely skewed.

I've never been one to like group interaction. Even with a group of my best friends, I'm just not good with group dynamics. I'm not content as a follower, but I hate leading as well. The alternative is a horribly lonely limbo. My kind of interaction has always been one-on-one. Of course, this requires a certain amount of closeness/trust to not be terribly awkward, but it's so much more real. When two people really talk to each other, they become their own world. Each time they confide in each other, another part of them is shared. For me, the bond is one thing I have been unable to forget, even though it seems I've been forgetting much of everything else lately.

To go one step further, to communicate by just sitting next to each other and/or being in each other's arms, that is what I see as love. It is enough to know that she is there, that you are there, and everything else be damned (pardon the expression). Maybe a few of you can start to see the dilemma. These situations don't tend well to speaking, and certainly I won't be the one to talk first. So the wonder of the moment passes and life continues on as before, and once again I don't tell the girl how I feel. So go the two stories of both my junior years (well, that they would parallel so nicely, the first one ended early junior year, while the latter fizzled end of junior year, if it could even be considered as having started - I think).

It has been intimated that one never forgets the first love. She becomes imprinted somehow, and it certainly seems true. Even now, Yin's memory (and it seems she's quite content at leaving it at just that) haunts me. I've already mentioned parallels, well, they continue to happen. The whole problem with being single is that I meet too many girls who, as some would put it, are all possibilities (I guess some wouldn't even stop this sort of thinking even while in a relationship). And then, since one has that subconscious thought, the relationship between two people suddenly and instantly forms.

It's been a question that I've had too many problems with - can a girl friend really fulfill the role of a friend without the boy wishing sometime that she could be a girlfriend? My priority had always been to be a friend first, relationships weren't safe enough, so my answer had always been "Yes," but when/why had I created this priority? I denied myself my true feelings and created the problems that I have now. In all truthfulness, my answer should have always been "No." I don't really believe that there is ever a truly platonic friendship. We are friends with people because, no matter how little, we love them, and who is to say that that love may grow to be more?

I would name the girls I have loved/love but their names aren't mine to tell. After all, it wouldn't only be my life/name that would be affected. In unrelated news, Valentine's Day is this Thursday. The single holiday I hate most, even more than Halloween (gasp! that's blasphemous! yeah, well, you haven't heard my side of the story) Anyway, it's crossed my mind more than once that the single reason I hate V-Day so much is because I don't have someone to spend money on. :: rolls eyes ::